& this too :)

please listen to this my dear

Chapter 7) That's why you go away.

Day 3 being single.

Being single is no big deal, losing you is.

Hey girl,

Just want to let you know I'm doing.. fine i guess.

I still cry when I miss you, I still want to hug you, kiss you, love you

Given a choice, I would wanna do all these for life.

But all in all, hope is slowly but surely returning to me.

Despite all these loneliness, emptiness and regrets, I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I promise you, 我会好好过. I will be that guy you loved from the start.

It is a pity we couldn't make it, and maybe we never will,

but I have to sincerely thank you for everything. 

I learnt alot from this relationship, really alot.

I hope you did too.

I hope you didn't find all these time and effort a waste.

I still love you alot, certainly my feelings never faded.

I will use the strength from this love to bravely carry on.

Days, weeks, months, years.. no matter how long it may take.

I will make you proud that you once had me as your boyfriend.

I hope you will live life to the fullest too.

If I could make one wish now, I sincerely hope that you can lead an awesome life and be happy, always.

That will certainly light up a smile on my face.

If this is really the end of us, thanks for the memories.

Sorry that I had to destroy a relationship which held so much promise

Sorry that I made true love this way.

Sincerely wishing you to be the happiest girl on earth.

Chapter 6) Crushed.

To be honest I saw it coming.. I know my past mistakes cannot be amended.
They scarred you, they scarred us. I am genuinely sorry.
I wish I can redeem for my mistakes with anything else, even physical pain, death etc. I just find it so hard to get punished for the mistakes with the most cruel thing ever.. losing you.

I.. am really really crushed.
How could it be.. I lost you. I lost the person I love the most.

I miss you so much. Tears no longer tell anything. But my heartbreak is beyond words.
It feels like my a piece of my heart is gone.. & never will find its way back.
I don't know how to survive this.

I read your blog. It seems like losing me may be the only way you can find yourself back.
I will do all it takes to make you happy.. I will manage a smile if I see you happy.

I will never be genuinely happy, how can I ever be without you.
But if you're happy all the sadness, depression and tears will all be worth it.
Treat me like a ladder alright ? Step on me to greater heights.. please do it, it is the only way I can ever redeem myself.

I love you so much, Samantha Yan.
We may no longer be together, but I will continue to love you at the expense of myself.
Please be safe. May all the good things in store for me, if any, get shipped over to you.
You deserve the best..
I never was.

CrushedBoy93

crying with the rain.

all alone.

waiting for a call takes eternity.

you having fun.

I suffering.

tearing apart.

emotional.

not there when I needed you.

better let the rain drown me.

lest I decide on the undesirable

Chapter 5) your guardian angel.

I'm sorry, I went berserk again.
Cause you didn't give in, usual reason.

I can't explain my feelings for you.
When you treated me damn coldly for days, my life turned upside down.
I'm in a relationship, but I'm single, that's the feeling.
And I thought I got realization : for our best, I gotto let go.
And I thought I slowly but surely lost feelings.

Until you suddenly wanted me back, wanted to try again.
Then I realised my love for you never faded.
Not even by one milligram.

I love you.
But more importantly, I want to be your guardian angel.

Now we're both ready to try again, it seems possible.
I believe you will change as I change.
I believed I finally have what it takes to change for you.

But I know as much as there is a chance we can finally last, it may be a false hope too.

Just wana say if it we still don't work out,
if we break,
I will always be by your side.

Like how I'm nearly drunk at the club, yet I stay sober to take care of you until we reached home.
Like how I'm always there to help you with your work when you're stressed.
Like how I take your temper and still never could leave you.

If we don't work out, I don't know what it will take to get over you.
You're my addiction.
But I do believe I'll always be there for you if you need me.
Maybe silently, but surely.

I just hope to take a few minutes to listen to this song,
chinese yeah, but I translated the chorus

" If all that remains in the sky is one solitary sky shining brightly,
I will use it to brighten up your loneliness, brighten up your path to eternal happiness,
I believe eventually one day you will see the guardian angel descending from the sky,
It is my heart that has always been there to surround and guard you,
The angel, he can definitely feel it. "

Time bomb

Chapter 4) Promises are meant to be kept.

When you gave in to me, I took it for granted.

When you did everything to make me happy, I made your life agonizing.

I fucked it up, so I pay the price.

But before that, I want to fulfill every promise I made to you.

Go club with you, clean your room etc.

Keeping my promises is the last and final thing I can do as your boyfriend.

& after that I will be gone from you life.

I love you, but there's always bound to be a price I got to pay.

Chapter 3) Lost cause & everlasting love.

" To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful " - Bess Myerson


Here we go again.

All the breakup threats which we thought belonged to the past resurfaced, not from me, but you this time.
I am trying so hard to change, and I merely lost my cool once and made a mistake and you asked to breakup again.
Its funny. As I stop doing things that will hurt us like in the past, you begin to do them.
I am willing to change, but I am not a superhero. Well, even superheros lose their cool sometimes. Like Hulk.

Honestly, I don't know why as I change, I love you even more.
I pleaded for you not to leave me despite me getting all depressed and broken cause of this relationship.

I don't know why we can't just be a normal couple. Bicker at times, be sweet most of the times. & more importantly, love each other deeply.

Before time passes us by, or love passes us by, I want to tell you certain things.

For someone who treasures his pride like me, the fact that I'm willing to change just tells you how much I love you.
But changing has a limit, I can't be the only want doing so to rescue this relationship.
You changed, but not in a good way.
You're becoming increasingly cold to me.
& I don't know where to get the motivation to do even better.

I really don't get it.
Why is it so hard to get a thank you, or a I love you for all that I do.
If the past shaped you this way, then aren't you also the same as the past which haunted you?
And you're haunting me.
Why are you reluctant to text me, and not willing to date me out.

Really the root of our quarrels basically is, I can't feel really loved from you. Cause of the lack of expressions, or basically I just need you to be genuinely interested in this relationship.

It really would so much better if I just agree to your breakup. But I don't usually give up on love that easily, no matter the hurt it causes me. Cause I know I want to fight for you, change for you.

To be honest, I think I want to marry you. Probably it won't happen but the thought just pushes me on.

All I need is care, concern, love, gratitude and you.

I don't know whether you will get to read this, but I really hope to tell you through here. Cause when the topic arises on the phone, we quarrel.

I started to understand more, but will it reap any rewards in the end?
Before you say I'm expecting something in return, all I expect is for us to workout.
& that happens after we both give and take, for a selfless reason that we want to be together.

I just want to have a normal relationship with you, I just want to love and protect you.

Why did things have to become this way. Is it reversible?

In the meantime, all I know is that 2 is better than 1. Hence I don't want to break up with you. I still stupidly hope that a miracle will happen.

Nevertheless,
no one can affect you the way you do. From the sweetest smiles, to the gloomy tears, to the darkest fears.

I'm still very much in love with you.


Porkchop Pon.

Chapter 2) Those bygone years

I've never loved anyone the way I loved you.

They were right, you shouldn't have accepted me so soon.
As quotes always say, the sweetest part of a relationship is the beginning, where the guy goes after the girl.

Those times, were the times when I believe I made you the happiest girl on earth.

This is a pretty positive post, anyway :)

Things started going downhill after the most beautiful day in my life at Jewel Box.
But to me, at this point of time, the needless quarrels we had can all rest in peace, never to be brought up again.
Cause I feel calm now, at the point where I know we may split anytime.
I changed, I really did, knowing that we may have the chance to start all over again.
But judging from the way you react and treat me now, I have to admit it may be a step too far.

Just watched 那些年，我们一起追过的女孩 ( Apple of my eye ) again.
So much references, so many similarities which I don't believe can all be credited to coincidences.

It is a really really sweet story. They didn't end up together I know, but I won't say that it is not a happy ending, cause a love story will never have an ending :)

They could have had it all, yet the guy made a childish mistake which forever determined that they can only be together in a parallel universe.

The girl got married, yet at the end of the day they are still together, not physical but in each other's hearts :)

当你看见自己喜欢的人幸福，你一定会开心地祝福.

I really hope for another chance with you. But at the same time, I know that love isn't really all about being together with someone, its to let that person stay in your heart for life, together or not.

I made mistakes, you made mistakes, so let the past be gone. We are fair now :)

To start afresh, or to be each other's guardian angel, that is the question.
But dear, the answer really isn't important anymore. Either way I can honestly tell you, this is only the beginning of our love. If we can start afresh, I will make you the happiest girl on earth.

If we can't start afresh, then I will still manage a smile :) For one and only one reason, that I will always be someone special to you. The first guy to be truly loved by you, the one whom I know will always stay in your heart.

Years later, this is what I will say to you:

I wish to go back to the happy times with you. Those months, those special months.
Back to the times when you made me smile like no one ever did, made me loved like I never was.
I really have forgotten all the hurt, all those tears, cause all that lives on in my heart is the irreplaceable memories.
If we do meet again, I will give you a hug, the tightest hug ever.
It may now be history, but I really want to thank you for walking this route with me.
The only pain that still lives on in me is that I cannot be the guy who can give you the happiness, or eternity.
However, in my heart, this is only the beginning. You will always live in my heart, no matter who we may end up marrying. & only the happy memories will stay. Deep within, you are still the girl who taught me how to love, who I never once, stopped loving from the very start.

:)
Samantha Yan, you will always, always be the apple of my eye.
Finally I know, that loving someone means to give her the most sincere blessings.
I really hope one day you can be 幸福, it really doesn't matter if that person isn't me.
I know that when I see you happy, I will smile, I will be happy too.

This is one thing I learnt from our relationship,
I learnt Love.

Dearest,
Pon



For you,

' I'm trying to let you know, that I am better off on my own. '

Chapter 1) When love isn't enough anymore.

First post, on probably the last day we are together.

She is beautiful. The most gorgeous girl to appear in the 18 miserable years of my life.
Oh, and i forgot to introduce myself.

I am fat, pimple-infested, poor and lazy. Basically a bloke.

A bloke together with a lady. I should have known from the start that this isn't going to be right at all.

& true enough I screwed up possibly the best thing that happened in my life.

I have extreme esteem problems. I hate myself. I feel inferior to everyone when I actually am not. This resulted in extreme trust problems as well, the thing that killed the relationship. I don't trust her, she is so beautiful to me that I'm living everyday in fear that she will leave me. & why not? Every other guy is better than me and she's so well-received by everyone. And cause of this I got extremely restrictive. Afterall if she doesn't get to interact with guys much the chance of someone liking her reduces right?

I am extremely possessive. I dived head first into this relationship cause i went head over heels for her. I love her so much that i made her by world. Big mistake. I gave up everything for her. School, exams, friends, gym, ambitions... I made it a point to keep all my time free for her. So when she can't , I go berserk. Her life's never all about me, she treasures her studies, friends, CCA. So what am i supposed to do? I don't feel prioritized at all. But I'm being unhealthy in a relationship, she is. The feeling is outright terrible, when you make someone your world and you're just her option.

And cause of this I became a hater. Fuck all you people who always ask her out and stuff. Chat with her on Whatsapp and stuff. Steal her attention from me and stuff. Get your own life/ relationship. If i were a raven, you know who I would circle around.

She doesn't know how to display her care and love. She is insensitive. Which is unacceptable to me cause I think a lot and I need someone sensitive to my feelings. She doesn't know how depressed I am sometimes. She believes I wouldn't commit suicide, but in actual fact I just need something to trigger my depression and I'll kill myself. She underestimates my pain. It's killing me. I know she loves me alot, probably more than I love her cause she totally accepted who I am. But it really is killing me to see her make mistakes after mistakes in the relationship. She cares so much for her friends. What about me?? Why can't I be more important to you?

Now I'm depressed. She still has the mood to go out and meet her friends. Not that I blame her, but probably its nothing wrong cause she isn't me. She doesn't understand that I'm slowly being consumed by hurt. I think I have depression. I need someone there for me all the time to help me get better. Actually I don't need anyone but HER. But even at this time when I'm suicidal she still will not give up on everything just for this period of time to help the person she loves get better. She doesn't know what it takes to love someone. Cause I know when she's in deep shit I will always be there.

Now that we're on the verge of breaking up, I probably will be left alone to face depression. Left alone in pieces, left alone during the period of my life when I need her the most. As the saying goes , "If you can't be there for me during the darkest moments of my life, don't expect to be there during the brightest. "

She expects that we breakup now and get back together when I'm fine. Get married and such.

No. no no no way. If you can't help me ride the storm, then don't expect to be with me when I pick myself up and turn my life towards the road named 'hope'. I love you so much, but I don't think I deserve all these. Since when I'm in such a torn state and you still selfishly want to fight with me over going to drink with friends, aren't you driving me to my grave? At this point of time you still can't give up on friends to help the one who will be with you for a lifetime, how selfish is that?

Of course, I'm just ranting. Deep down I know I am the one who screwed everything up, not her.
I screwed up my life, and hers.
I don't know how to let go of her. I tried, and failed miserably. I love her way too much. Without her, life is but a barren piece of land.

I want to die, cause I'm trapped in no man's land.
I'm forced to move on from the girl I want to marry. The girl I treated like a princess from the start, before I got messed up. I'm addicted to her.

That pain, how am I supposed to handle it?

I love you so much. But this is broken. I thought of eternity with you.

Thought.

Without you, I don't know if I can remain alive. Probably I will end up like the fallen raven. The omen of death, dead. An omen who brought the omen upon himself.