Chapter 1) When love isn't enough anymore.

First post, on probably the last day we are together.

She is beautiful. The most gorgeous girl to appear in the 18 miserable years of my life.
Oh, and i forgot to introduce myself.

I am fat, pimple-infested, poor and lazy. Basically a bloke.

A bloke together with a lady. I should have known from the start that this isn't going to be right at all.

& true enough I screwed up possibly the best thing that happened in my life.

I have extreme esteem problems. I hate myself. I feel inferior to everyone when I actually am not. This resulted in extreme trust problems as well, the thing that killed the relationship. I don't trust her, she is so beautiful to me that I'm living everyday in fear that she will leave me. & why not? Every other guy is better than me and she's so well-received by everyone. And cause of this I got extremely restrictive. Afterall if she doesn't get to interact with guys much the chance of someone liking her reduces right?

I am extremely possessive. I dived head first into this relationship cause i went head over heels for her. I love her so much that i made her by world. Big mistake. I gave up everything for her. School, exams, friends, gym, ambitions... I made it a point to keep all my time free for her. So when she can't , I go berserk. Her life's never all about me, she treasures her studies, friends, CCA. So what am i supposed to do? I don't feel prioritized at all. But I'm being unhealthy in a relationship, she is. The feeling is outright terrible, when you make someone your world and you're just her option.

And cause of this I became a hater. Fuck all you people who always ask her out and stuff. Chat with her on Whatsapp and stuff. Steal her attention from me and stuff. Get your own life/ relationship. If i were a raven, you know who I would circle around.

She doesn't know how to display her care and love. She is insensitive. Which is unacceptable to me cause I think a lot and I need someone sensitive to my feelings. She doesn't know how depressed I am sometimes. She believes I wouldn't commit suicide, but in actual fact I just need something to trigger my depression and I'll kill myself. She underestimates my pain. It's killing me. I know she loves me alot, probably more than I love her cause she totally accepted who I am. But it really is killing me to see her make mistakes after mistakes in the relationship. She cares so much for her friends. What about me?? Why can't I be more important to you?

Now I'm depressed. She still has the mood to go out and meet her friends. Not that I blame her, but probably its nothing wrong cause she isn't me. She doesn't understand that I'm slowly being consumed by hurt. I think I have depression. I need someone there for me all the time to help me get better. Actually I don't need anyone but HER. But even at this time when I'm suicidal she still will not give up on everything just for this period of time to help the person she loves get better. She doesn't know what it takes to love someone. Cause I know when she's in deep shit I will always be there.

Now that we're on the verge of breaking up, I probably will be left alone to face depression. Left alone in pieces, left alone during the period of my life when I need her the most. As the saying goes , "If you can't be there for me during the darkest moments of my life, don't expect to be there during the brightest. "

She expects that we breakup now and get back together when I'm fine. Get married and such.

No. no no no way. If you can't help me ride the storm, then don't expect to be with me when I pick myself up and turn my life towards the road named 'hope'. I love you so much, but I don't think I deserve all these. Since when I'm in such a torn state and you still selfishly want to fight with me over going to drink with friends, aren't you driving me to my grave? At this point of time you still can't give up on friends to help the one who will be with you for a lifetime, how selfish is that?

Of course, I'm just ranting. Deep down I know I am the one who screwed everything up, not her.
I screwed up my life, and hers.
I don't know how to let go of her. I tried, and failed miserably. I love her way too much. Without her, life is but a barren piece of land.

I want to die, cause I'm trapped in no man's land.
I'm forced to move on from the girl I want to marry. The girl I treated like a princess from the start, before I got messed up. I'm addicted to her.

That pain, how am I supposed to handle it?

I love you so much. But this is broken. I thought of eternity with you.

Thought.

Without you, I don't know if I can remain alive. Probably I will end up like the fallen raven. The omen of death, dead. An omen who brought the omen upon himself.